dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
