My hand turned me down
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
