his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
