I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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