i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
