I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
