I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
