Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My hand turned me down
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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