Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
