No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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