I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
