we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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