TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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