Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
