I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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