If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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