her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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