I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
worst night to have a conscience
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
