Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
