Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
