I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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