my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
