The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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