I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
