I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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