mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
