My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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