Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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