are you still at the devil's house?
I want to make a zoo with you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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