Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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