All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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