so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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