Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
