found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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