I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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