He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
