i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
