; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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