last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize