i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
