my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
