WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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