the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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