I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
