I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
