Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
