Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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