i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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