You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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