do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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