she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
