As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
