i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
