i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
