A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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