It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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