adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
