Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
