the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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