Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
