Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.