Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.