I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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